The Fifteen Series
by OmniStrife
Summary: Hellooo. I'm Zack Fair, your resident dead guy. I recently developed a new way to keep myself occupied. I present to you my lists, each containing fifteen reasons we are gay. ...Yes, being dead IS that boring. [M for suggestive themes, and lots of swears]
1. Cloud

**A/N:** This was SO much fun. It's also just the first of many. There will be fifteen in total, each with their own fifteen reasons, hence the title. XD They will all be from Zack's point of view, and they will all be about different male FF7 characters. They haven't all been written yet, but I'll probably work on them on and off. So… you'll get updates here and there. *grin* Enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** This is a work of fanfiction. The author does not own the rights to any of the characters/places/concepts mentioned, and will not make any profit from this fanwork. Ancients help these boys if I did own them. XD

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**The Fifteen Series**

By Zack Fair (and put to print by OmniStrife)

Hello! It's the almighty Zack here. Okay, maybe I'm not almighty, but I'm pretty close to godly so we can just… round up. Yeah. What? Oh, yeah! I do actually have a reason for being here! I know, amazing, right? Yep.

So. You all know I'm like, dead. It's not so bad. I personally would have chosen a nicer way to go, but it's too late now. Oh well. My point is I'm dead, so that gives me some pretty kickass powers. Like I can… do this!

…Uh. Well, you didn't actually see what I did, but believe me, it was cool. Really though, my favorite dead-person power is the one that lets me spy on people. Seriously, I can look in on whoever I want, whenever I want. Sometimes it's awesome! And sometimes it's not so awesome… like that time accidentally walked in on Reno modeling his new plaid capris for himself… That was awkward.

Anyway, yeah. Spying. Know who my favorite person to spy on is? My most awesomest boy toy, Cloud. Kid's so damn cute! Especially in that little itty-bitty spandex thing he sometimes wears… getting off topic. Sorry. But yeah, spying on Cloud is the reason I'm here today, speaking to all you wonderful people who love me in all my nearly-godly glory.

So um… what's up with everyone being all like "Cloud loves girls!"? It's like… a myth or something. Take it from the dude who has nothing better to do than spy on his ass all the time. No really, I spy on his ass. It's actually pretty cute, with the roundness and the squishiness and the oh-so-grabable-ness. Getting off topic again. Sorry.

But seriously. How is that guy straight? I know, he loved Aerith, but I mean, come on. Who wouldn't love her? She's like the mommy everyone never had. Even I love her. I dated her for a while but she tried to knit me socks so I called it off.

But yeah. Cloud. Don't believe me? Okay, I prepared a little something in case this should happen. It's a little thing I've been developing for a while now. I like to call it, "Fifteen Reasons Cloud is Gay."

…Yes, being dead IS that boring.

Reason number one: His fixation with Sephiroth. I mean, yeah, the guy's totally fuckable—I should know—but Cloud's little obsession is a little more than hero-worship/villain-killing/angst-fest. Come ON. Who would jump into the Lifestream ON PURPOSE just to see a supposed "enemy" again? I rest my case.

Reason number two: he wore a dress. WILLINGLY. Oh yeah, don't think I missed that little escapade. Not only did he wear a dress, but he had lingerie, perfume, a wig, makeup, AND a tiara. Hello! TIARA!

And that brings me to reason number three. When he was in with Don What's-his-name, he even admitted that there was another man! But no, it didn't stop there. Reason number four is the fact that he actually went on a date with that "other man"! That actually really surprised me. I didn't think the big guy with the gun-arm was into dudes. But then again, Cloud is pretty hot.

Oh, oh! Just thought of reason number five! Yeah, on that date with the big guy, they not only went to see a play, but then they were _in_ the play. And in the play… you ready for this? Cloud TWIRLED. He twirled! Like a ballerina! It was priceless!

Hmm… let's see here… let me refer to my list. Oh, okay. Reason number six: ignoring the women with giant boobs. The chicks were ALL OVER Cloud, and what was the only thing he could do? Angst about Seph and me. Personally, I dunno how anyone could not be at least distracted by Tifa's boobs-o'-doom, gay or straight. It's a wonder the girl can even stand up, let alone kick someone's ass.

Reason number seven: back to that whole cross-dressing thing. There was this thing Cloud decided he had to do, even though it was entirely unnecessary. He went… to the Honey Bee Inn, which really isn't an inn at all. It's more along the lines of… like… if you're hot, and a guy, and have a member's card, then they let you pick a room to be pretty much molested in. There are these big guys running around in speedos, calling the little boys "bubby" and touching them in the bathtub. Don't give me that look, I already told you I watch Cloud do EVERYTHING.

Speaking of watching Cloud do everything… I want to move on to reason eight. Okay so, for a long time right after I got blown to bits on that cliff (hey, I'm talking about myself, I'm allowed to be gruesome and I've already said I don't mind being dead), Cloud decided that he missed me so much that he was gonna pretend to be me. Yeah, I dunno how that works either but I figured it was some weird form of flattery. Whatever.

Anyway, I got to thinking (and watching) … since Cloud thought he was me… wouldn't that mean that when he whacked off that he was really touching me? Or… imagining he was touching me… or something like that. Somehow my mind formed a connection between his hand and my dick. Or was it my hand and his dick? Maybe it was my balls, his dick, my… uh… pinkie… and then the rest of his fingers. Oh shut up. It used to make sense.

Moving on. Reason nine. The SOLDIER stance. Or, more particularly, Cloud's SOLDIER stance. I never stood that way, and I swear I never saw anyone else stand that way. You know what way I mean. That one where he stands to the side and sticks his ass out for me to look at with a hand on his hip. What straight dude stands like that? He looks like he's posing on a catwalk or something.

Back to my list… ah yes. Reason ten. He's totally a size queen. Have you SEEN the size of his sword? I mean yeah, my sword's that big too, but at least I only have one. I don't think I need to elaborate more than that.

Reason eleven: his fashion sense. Okay, I'll acknowledge the fact that Shinra did issue purple uniforms. I had to wear it too. But you know, it's been a few years. He's changed his look. Now he wears that… thing. It looks like a skirt without a front part! It's even all flowy and stuff. And his hair! Yeah, still as spiky as mine, but now he has it all swept to the side like some sad emo boy who can't find the right man. Plus, I know for a fact that he spends hours prepping it that way. He even talks to it.

Now, on to reason twelve. I only have two words for you: "Let's mosey."

Reason thirteen: Vincent Valentine. That guy is way too pretty to be straight, and he's obviously very close to Cloud. I've never heard the guy string more than a sentence together. Except, when he's around Cloud he speaks in whole paragraphs! Now tell me, if there wasn't something going on there, would Vincent be constantly rescuing Cloud so… dramatically? And I know they call each other all the time. You should see Cloud's cell phone bills.

Okay, reason fourteen. That time Cloud fell into the Lifestream in Mideel and did all that "soul-searching" bullshit with Tifa, he was completely incoherent because of mako poisoning (which seems to be a recurring theme in dear Cloudy's lifestyle). After I got over being pissed that he didn't remember me, he decided he did. And what was the first thing he said? "Za…ck…"

Oh yeah. That's right. Cloud MOANED my name.

And finally, reason number fifteen: Cloud really seems to have a fetish for silver-haired men in tight leather outfits. Mmm… huh? Oh, sorry. Zacky was having some good thoughts.

Anyway, Cloud loves those silver-hairs. First Seph, then Seph's little clone guys. I mean, seriously. Did you see the way he was holding that Kadaj kid as he was returning to the Planet? Then he looked all sad that he was gone. Man, I'd be sad too if I was holding someone that hot and he just melted away.

So there you have it: Fifteen Reasons Cloud is Gay. I did a pretty good job, huh? I have lots of other theories. Hmm… I think I'll go make another list!

… I already told you: Yes, being dead IS that boring.

So yeah… until next time! This is the nearly-godly-rounded-up-to-almighty Zack Fair, off to spy on some other people and write down dirty things about them. Heh, heh, heh…


	2. Sephiroth

**The Fifteen Series  
Part 2**  
By Zack Fair (and put to print by OmniStrife)

Hello, kiddies! Yes, I'm back. I know you all missed me SO much. I know, I know.

So I hear everyone loved my last list! That's great, because I loved my last list too. Bloody brilliant, if I do say so. I had so much fun spying on Cloud and telling you all about it, I decided to do it again. Well, actually I really do that all the time, but I only talk about it every once in a while.

Anyway. I bet you're wondering who the next victim is! Well, let me tell you, this was no easy task. The guy has reflexes like a ninja. NINJA! But that's okay, 'cause he loves me anyway, so once he saw it was me he… threatened to chop my head off but I won the battle! Know how?

I'm DEAD. Chopping my head off wouldn't change a thing!

And so, it became as such that I was able to use my kickass dead-person spying powers on none other than the great General Sephiroth!

Oh yeah. I know. I'm awesome.

Okay! Here we go.

Fifteen Reasons Sephiroth is Gay.

That sounds so nice.

Anyway, reason number one! The hair. I don't even know what to say about that hair. It goes down to his freakin' knees! And it's all flowy, and pretty… and soft, and luscious, and delicate, and… um. I'm okay. Really.

Reason number two: the leather. Personally, I have never seen a dude wear that much leather unless he was sitting on the back of an elongated motorcycle that was covered in little silver skulls. Not that I'm complaining. Those pants make his ass look AMAZING.

Reason number three: the Mother-fixation. Seph's a total mama's boy. Okay. I love my mom to death. I really do. She's awesome. But when it gets to the point that you're carrying around your mother's body parts? I draw the line there, thanks.

Reason four: SOLDIER. Now. I know what you're thinking. 'Zack, weren't you a SOLDIER too?' Why, yes, I was. But I was not the leader of SOLDIER. Thus, I didn't have an entire HAREM of pretty men who were willing to fall down at my feet and lick my boots clean.

…Well, I did have my share of pretty boys. Heh. Moving on…

…to reason five. Again with the sword. Seph's sword is humongous. It's bigger than mine and Cloud's combined! Well, in length anyway. Length isn't everything, kiddies. Heh. Anyway. Seph's sword is not only longer than he is tall, it's also very sleek and delicate… kinda like his hair. Except… well, the whole slicing-people-in-half thing. Actually, I wouldn't really be surprised if his hair was as lethal as his sword.

So… anyone else besides me noticed the fact that Seph never wears a shirt? Well, of course I noticed. That's reason six, by the way. He's… too sexy for his shirt… too sexy for his shirt… too sexy—you get my point. He's fucking sexy, and he knows it. There can't possibly be another explanation for the lack of shirtage.

Reason seven: the way he laughs. Oh yeah, I've seen him laugh. It's a rare sight but it has actually happened before. Cloud saw it too, though up till recently he only thought he saw it because he thought he was me. Long story.

Anyway. Seph laughs like a girl. His shoulders bounce a little, and he covers his mouth with his fingers. And the sound of it would make a Catholic school girl look manly.

Anyone remember that time Cloud and Seph were fighting (yeah, 'cause that's SUCH a rare occurrence) after the Kadaj kid did that freaky shove-Mommy-into-his-chest-and-become-Seph thing? Well Seph said some things to Cloud that were ...questionable. Hang on, let's see how well I can imitate him for reasons eight and nine. Ahem.

"Where did you find _this_ strength?" Ooh, pretty good. Not as orgasmic as the original, but I'd rather hear it from him anyway. Let's try again. "On your knees. I want you to _beg_ for forgiveness." Mmmmm… Dear GAIA that man is a walking orgasm. Uh. You didn't hear me say that.

Reason ten: the clones. Okay, let's put that whole world domination thing aside for a second and look at another reason Seph may have wanted to keep cloning himself. It was because he wanted to admire himself! Or… have a reeeeaaaaaally big orgy. Oh dear… DAMN that'd be hot. Holy shit, I think I need to be alone for a few minutes. Excuse me.

_20 minutes later_

…Ah, that's better. Sorry for the delay. I uh… I had to um… I had some business to take care of. Yeah. Crap, now I've lost my list… Oh here it is. Okay, where was I? Ah yes, clones. And… next is… oh! Belts. Belts, leather, harnesses. Is there anything about Sephiroth that DOESN'T scream dominatrix? Yeah, didn't think so.

Reason twelve: streaking. Yup, you heard me right. Apparently Sephiroth loves to streak. That time he battled Cloud as… what was he calling himself then? Safer Sephiroth? Nothing safe about that, let me tell you. First, he was completely naked, which implies streaking. Second, reason thirteen, the dimension he picked? Covered in rainbows! And his accessories! He stuck a solid gold halo around himself. Straight? I think not. Not when your wings have "decorative frills," which would be reason fourteen.

And finally, reason fifteen, my favorite reason. One of his most influential relationships was with… none other than moi! Yup. Two peas in a pod. Me and Seph. I've seen him naked more than probably any other person on the Planet. Heh. Believe me, Masamune is not compensation. It's advertisement.

Aaaaand on that note, we're done here. I need to go… um. Do something else. Yeah. Until next time! Oh yeah, you can bet your uncle's ass I'm going to make more lists. Ciao!


End file.
